Violence flares in Egypt after emergency law imposed


CAIRO (Reuters) - A man was shot dead on Monday in a fifth day of violence in Egypt that has killed 50 people and prompted the Islamist president to declare a state of emergency in an attempt to end a wave of unrest sweeping the Arab world's biggest nation.


Emergency rule announced by President Mohamed Mursi on Sunday covers the cities of Port Said, Ismailia and Suez. The army has already been deployed in two of those cities and cabinet approved a measure to let soldiers arrest civilians.


A cabinet source told Reuters any trials would be before civilian courts, but the step is likely to anger protesters who accuse Mursi of using high-handed security tactics of the kind they fought against to oust President Hosni Mubarak.


Egypt's politics have become deeply polarized since those heady days two years ago, when protesters were making most of the running in the Arab Spring revolutions that sent shockwaves through the region and Islamists and liberals lined up together.


Although Islamists have won parliamentary and presidential elections, the disparate opposition has since united against Mursi. Late last year he moved to expand his powers and push a constitution with Islamist leanings through a referendum, punctuated by violent street protests.


Mursi's call for a national dialogue meeting on Monday to help end the crisis was spurned by his main opponents.


They accuse Mursi of hijacking the revolution, listening only to his Islamist allies and breaking a promise to be a president for all Egyptians. Islamists say their rivals want to overthrow by undemocratic means Egypt's first freely elected leader.


Anti-Mursi protesters were out on the streets again in Cairo and elsewhere on Monday, the second anniversary of one of the bloodiest days in the revolution that erupted on January 25, 2011, and ended Mubarak's iron rule 18 days later.


CONCERNS


Hundreds of demonstrators in Port Said, Ismailia and Suez, cities which all lie on the economically vital Suez Canal, had turned out against Mursi's decision on Sunday within moments of him speaking. Activists there pledged to defy a curfew that starts at 9 p.m. (1700 GMT).


Instability in Egypt has raised concerns in Western capitals, where officials worry about the direction of a key regional player that has a peace deal with Israel.


The political unrest has been exacerbated by street violence linked to death penalties imposed on soccer supporters convicted of involvement in stadium rioting a year ago.


In Cairo on Monday, police fired volleys of teargas at stone-throwing protesters near Tahrir Square, cauldron of the anti-Mubarak uprising. A 46-year-old bystander was killed by a gunshot, a security source said. It was not clear who opened fire.


"We want to bring down the regime and end the state that is run by the Muslim Brotherhood," said Ibrahim Eissa, a 26-year-old cook, protecting his face from teargas wafting towards him.


Propelled to the presidency in a June election by the Muslim Brotherhood, Mursi has lurched through a series of political crises and violent demonstrations, complicating his task of shoring up the economy and of preparing for a parliamentary election to cement the new democracy in a few months.


"The protection of the nation is the responsibility of everyone. We will confront any threat to its security with force and firmness within the remit of the law," Mursi said, angering many of his opponents when he wagged his finger at the camera.


The president offered condolences to families of victims of violence and also called a dialogue meeting on Monday at 6 p.m. (11 a.m. ET) between Islamist allies and their liberal, leftist and other opponents to discuss the crisis.


The main opposition National Salvation Front coalition rejected the offer as "cosmetic and not substantive" and set several conditions that have not been met in the past, such as forming a national salvation government. They also demanded that Mursi announce his responsibility for the bloodshed.


SECURITY MEASURES


"We will send a message to the Egyptian people and the president of the republic about what we think are the essentials for dialogue. If he agrees to them, we are ready for dialogue," opposition politician Mohamed ElBaradei told a news conference.


The opposition Front has distanced itself from the latest flare-ups but said Mursi should have acted far sooner to impose security measures that would have ended the violence.


"Of course we feel the president is missing the real problem on the ground, which is his own policies," Front spokesman Khaled Dawoud said after Mursi made his declaration.


Other activists said Mursi's measures to try to impose control on the turbulent streets could backfire.


"Martial law, state of emergency and army arrests of civilians are not a solution to the crisis," Ahmed Maher of the April 6 movement that helped galvanize the 2011 uprising said. "All this will do is further provoke the youth. The solution has to be a political one that addresses the roots of the problem."


Thousands of mourners joined funerals in Port Said for the latest victims in the Mediterranean port city. Seven people were killed there on Sunday when residents joined marches to bury 33 others who had been killed a day earlier, most by gunshot wounds in a city where arms are rife.


Protests erupted there on Saturday after a court sentenced to death several people from the city for their role in deadly soccer violence last year, a verdict residents saw as unfair. The anger swiftly turned against Mursi and his government.


Rights activists said Mursi's declaration was a backward step for Egypt, which was under emergency law for Mubarak's entire 30-year rule. His police used the sweeping arrest provisions to muzzle dissent and round up opponents, including members of the Brotherhood and even Mursi himself.


Heba Morayef of Human Rights Watch in Cairo said the police, still hated by many Egyptians for their heavy-handed tactics under Mubarak, would once again have the right to arrest people "purely because they look suspicious", undermining efforts to create a more efficient and respected police force.


"It is a classic knee-jerk reaction to think the emergency law will help bring security," she said. "It gives so much discretion to the Ministry of Interior that it ends up causing more abuse, which in turn causes more anger."


(Additional reporting by Yasmine Saleh in Cairo and Yusri Mohamed in Ismailia; Editing by Giles Elgood and Peter Millership)



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3 Bite-Size Tips for Using Twitter in a Job Search






Advice abounds on how to use social media to advance your career and job search. Beyond reading the volumes of great books, breaking down advice into manageable bites is a smart way to venture into the often-rough social networking waters. Also, choosing one site and really getting your feet wet is helpful to prevent social media overwhelm and scattershot behavior. The following are three snack-size tips to help you get started using the niche-networking site, Twitter.


Tip No. 1: Create a Twitter handle that articulates your value. This may simply mean using your name, particularly if your personal brand and unique value are highly connected to your name. So, @JaneDDoe may just be the perfect draw to brand you. However, if your brand is better exuded through a descriptive representation of what you do, whom you serve, how you serve, and so forth, then consider drawing a visual word picture. The challenge: Creating this handle to represent your brand in just a 15-character limit. But you can meet that challenge. It just takes thought and brainstorming.






Check out these eight examples of personally branded, value-focused and/or descriptive Twitter handles to get your juices flowing:


1. Showing your unique value: @WorkIntegrity (A career transition consultant with integrity)


2. Showing what you do: @bizshrink (A leadership psychologist who grows psychologically savvy leaders)


3. Describing how you help others: @AuntieStress (She undresses your stress by getting to the heart of the cause)


4. Using your name brand: @lizadonnelly (A New York-based cartoonist and writer)


5. Creating a hybrid handle: @RedBaronUSA (A turnaround management and growth strategy expert who uses a company name, RedBaron, and first name, Baron, in the handle)


6. Describing what you do while concurrently using your company name: @Brainzooming (Strategy, innovation, creativity, and social media ideas)


7. Incorporating your name brand plus credential (niche area of focus): @tracystewartcpa (A CPA PFS CFF CFP CDFA, collaborative neutral financial advisor)


8. Emphasizing your personal brand tagline: @ValueIntoWords (A certified master resume writer translating value into words. @Glassdoor career and workplace expert)


Tip No. 2: Follow a couple dozen people and begin sharing their content. This can start as simply as researching four or five of your favorite colleagues on Twitter and then following them. Tag along a few of the people they follow. Read through their tweets. Select a resonating tweet and share it using the “retweet” button. Or, better yet, create a personal introduction to the tweet and customize your share.


You can do this by copying/pasting the original tweet into a new tweet window and then typing in additional, value-add language to introduce the tweet. This will test your writing precision and editing skills because you likely will need to trim the original tweet (without changing the meaning), and have to create a brief, three- or four-word value-add remark, all while fitting into the 140-character limitations.


The following is an example of a tailored retweet of a blog post where the poster pulled out the takeaway message that she found most compelling.


Example of original tweet: “4 tips for better negotiations http://www.stumbleupon.com/to/s/73xwDS”


Example of tailored retweet: “‘Watch where you set your anchor’ + 3 more tips for better negotiations: http://bit.ly/VtqfOr by @twilli2861″


Tip No. 3. Tweet your own content. Once you get the hang of tweeting, consider developing your own original tweets. If you author a blog or guest post on other blogs, then it would be natural to share that content. If this isn’t the case, then create 140-character tips that apply to your area of expertise. So, for example, if you are a sales professional, you may want to prepare a sales tip to help your followers sell better, or you could share one thing not to do when trying to close a deal. In other words, consider what’s in it for the follower before composing a tweet, then offer practical advice they can immediately implement.


While Twitter can be a noisy playground with lots of equipment with which to experiment; e.g., TweetDeck, HootSuite, hashtags, Twitter chats, and such, don’t let that bog you down. Instead, target in on one area of that playground and start swinging. Let your legs fly, throw your head back. At the same time, play safely and courteously. You will find yourself exhilarated and playful, at the same time, growing your career muscle in communication and collaboration.


Jacqui Barrett-Poindexter is a Glassdoor career and workplace expert, chief career writer and partner with CareerTrend, and is one of only 28 Master Resume Writers (MRW) globally. Jacqui and her husband, “Sailor Rob,” host a lively careers-focused blog at http://careertrend.net/blog. Jacqui is a power Twitter user (@ValueIntoWords), listed on several “Best People to Follow” lists for job seekers.


Social Media News Headlines – Yahoo! News





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Michelle Williams Says Reports of Destiny's Child Super Bowl Reunion Are Not True















01/28/2013 at 10:15 AM EST







Destiny's Child (from left) Beyoncé Knowles, Michelle Williams and Kelly Rowland


Anthony Harvey/PA/Abaca


Are they or aren't they?

Fans of Destiny's Child may be wondering where Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams will be at the Super Bowl halftime show.

While Beyoncé has posted photos of her rehearsals for the big performance, Williams says reports of a reunion for the pop group are merely unconfirmed rumors – and that they're "not true."

"I'm going to be in the musical Fela!," she told WRUG Media in a recent interview. "I hate to disappoint the people and tell them that it's not true."

Williams is headlining a world tour of the Tony Award-winning show, which kicks off Tuesday in Washington, D.C. According to the show's website, there are two performances of Fela! at D.C.'s Sidney Harman Hall, at 3 p.m. and 8 p.m. on Super Bowl Sunday, which would make it difficult to be in New Orleans for the game without help from an understudy.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," Williams said of the reunion rumors. "But we did record a song with each other before the holidays."

Destiny's Child – Love Songs, a greatest hits compilation of the group's most romantic recordings set for release Tuesday, will feature a new song, "Nuclear," their first in eight years.

But Williams did hint that a reunion outside the recording studio may still happen.

"We have talked about it," she said. "You know, one day soon."

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Wounded soldier gets double-arm transplant in Md.


BALTIMORE (AP) — A soldier who lost all four limbs in a roadside bomb attack in 2009 in Iraq has received a double-arm transplant in Baltimore.


Johns Hopkins Hospital surgeons plan to discuss the transplant Tuesday at a news conference with the infantryman.


Johns Hopkins says the soldier is one of seven in the United States who have undergone successful double-arm transplants.


Hospital officials say the transplant last month is the first for the hospital and involved an innovative treatment to prevent rejection of the new limbs. Johns Hopkins officials say the treatment used the dead donor's bone marrow cells and so far has prevented rejection and reduced the need for anti-rejection drugs. Those drugs can cause complications including infection and organ damage.


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Wall Street flat after rally, Caterpillar advances

NEW YORK (Reuters) - U.S. stocks were flat on Monday, with investors reluctant to make big bets following an extended equity rally, though strong data and results from Caterpillar kept a positive tone in markets.


The S&P 500 is coming off a streak of eight sessions of gains, the longest winning streak for the index in eight years. On Friday, it closed above 1,500 for the first time in more than five years.


Caterpillar Inc rose 1.8 percent to $97.24 after the Dow component reported adjusted fourth-quarter earnings that beat expectations, though revenue was slightly below forecasts. The heavy machinery maker also said it expects China's economy to improve, though not at the rates of 2010 and 2011.


The results continued the trend of major firms posting strong quarters, contributing to major averages rising for four straight weeks.


"You can't find more of a global bellwether than Cat, and people are pleased with the number, which suggests there could be less concern about slowing growth in China after this," said Wayne Kaufman, chief market analyst at John Thomas Financial in New York.


Thomson Reuters data through Friday showed that of the 147 S&P 500 companies that have reported earnings so far, 68 percent exceeded expectations. Since 1994, 62 percent of companies have topped expectations, while the average over the past four quarters stands at 65 percent.


The Dow Jones industrial average <.dji> was up 18.07 points, or 0.13 percent, at 13,914.05. The Standard & Poor's 500 Index <.spx> was down 0.07 points, or 0.00 percent, at 1,502.89. The Nasdaq Composite Index <.ixic> was up 7.25 points, or 0.23 percent, at 3,156.97.


The S&P 500 on Friday closed at its highest since December 10, 2007, and the Dow ended at its highest since October 31, 2007. Over the past four weeks, the S&P has jumped 7.2 percent, suggesting markets may be vulnerable to a pullback if news disappoints.


Durable goods jumped 4.6 percent in December, a pace that far outstripped expectations for a rise of 1.8 percent.


"We continue to have a parade of better-than-expected economic reports. All-in-all it's a good picture. I think there's a good chance we've reached a point of recognition where people don't think the economy will crater," Kaufman said.


In addition to earnings, equities have also risen on an agreement in Washington to extend the government's borrowing power. On Monday, Fitch Ratings said that agreement removed the near-term risk to the country's 'AAA' rating.


Previously, the agency said the lack of an agreement would prompt a review of the sovereign rating.


In company news, Keryx Biopharmaceuticals Inc said a late-stage trial of its experimental kidney disease drug met the main study goal of reducing phosphate levels in blood, sending shares up 43 percent to $4.91.


Bargain hunters may look to Apple Inc in the first session after the tech giant lost its coveted title as the largest U.S. company by market capitalization to Exxon Mobil Corp . Apple rose 0.7 percent to $443.06.


On Friday, Apple's market cap fell to $413 billion, down roughly $250 billion from its September peak. Apple's fall is about equal to the entire value of Google Inc .


"Apple is pretty attractive right now, so you may see an opportunity here," said Chris Bertelsen, who helps oversee $1.5 billion as chief investment officer of Global Financial Private Capital in Sarasota, Florida. "Those who think the stock is dead have made a big mistake."


(Editing by W Simon, Kenneth Barry and Nick Zieminski)



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Nightclub fire kills 245 in southern Brazil


PORTO ALEGRE, Brazil (Reuters) - A fire in a nightclub killed at least 245 people in southern Brazil on Sunday when a band's pyrotechnics show set the building ablaze and fleeing patrons were unable to find the emergency exits in the ensuing panic, officials said.


The blaze in the southern city of Santa Maria was started when a band member or someone from its production team ignited a flare, which then set fire to the ceiling, said Luiza Sousa, a civil police official. The fire spread "in seconds," she said.


An estimated 500 people were in the Boate Kiss nightclub when the fire broke out early on Sunday, and many were unable to find the exits as dark smoke quickly filled the room. At least one exit was locked, trapping hundreds inside to die, many from asphyxiation as they inhaled smoke, police said.


"When I looked around, all I saw were dead bodies all around, lying on the floor. It was macabre," survivor Taynne Vendrusculo told GloboNews TV. "It all happened so fast. Both the panic and the fire spread rapidly, in seconds."


Television footage showed people sobbing outside the club, while shirtless firefighters used sledge hammers and axes to knock down an exterior wall to open up an exit.


By noon (1400 GMT), the death toll had risen to 245 and 48 people were being treated in local hospitals, said Major Cleberson Bastianello, head of the military police unit leading the rescue efforts. He said all of the bodies of the victims had been removed from the nightclub.


President Dilma Rousseff, who started her political career in the same state where the fire happened, cut short a visit to Chile to return to Brazil to visit the scene. Before departing, Rousseff gave a televised statement in which she broke out in tears as she pledged government help for the victims and their families.


"We are trying to mobilize all possible resources to help in the rescue efforts," she said. "All I can say at the moment is that my feelings are of deep sorrow."


The disaster recalls other incidents including a 2003 fire at a nightclub in West Warwick, Rhode Island, that killed 100, and a Buenos Aires nightclub blaze in 2004 that killed nearly 200. In both incidents, a band or members of the audience ignited fires that set the establishment ablaze.


Brazil's safety standards and emergency response capabilities are under particular scrutiny as it prepares to host the 2014 World Cup soccer tournament and the 2016 Olympics.


The Boate Kiss nightclub was a popular venue in Santa Maria, a university town of more than 275,000 people. The massive nightclub sometimes attracts up to 2,000 people on a given night, according to reviews on the Internet.


One of the club's owners had already surrendered to police in Santa Maria for questioning, GloboNews reported.


Rio Grande do Sul state Health Secretary Ciro Simoni said emergency medical supplies from all over the state were being sent to the scene.


Santa Maria is some 186 miles west of the state capital of Porto Alegre. "A sad Sunday!" tweeted Rio Grande do Sul Governor Tarso Genro. He said "all possible measures" were being taken in response.


(Additional reporting by Guillermo Parra-Bernal, Gustavo Bonato, Leila Coimbra, Todd Benson, Jeferson Ribeiro and Brian Winter; Editing by Todd Benson, Kieran Murray and Eric Beech)



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SAG Awards: Watch Live with PEOPLE









01/27/2013 at 09:30 AM EST



Happy Screen Actors Guild Awards!

On a night when the biggest stars of TV and film honor each other, we will be covering every inch of the red carpet beginning at 6 p.m. ET (3 p.m. PT) on our live pre-show, hosted by PEOPLE's Deputy Managing Editor Peter Castro and PEOPLE StyleWatch Managing Editor Susan Kaufman, right here on PEOPLE.com.

Join our @StyleWatchMag and @peoplemag Twitter party on Sunday to discuss the best dresses, the hottest hair and makeup and the most eye-popping jewels that nominees like Claire Danes, Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence will be wearing. Just use hashtag #PeopleSAG and your comments could appear on PEOPLE.com.

Once the show starts at 8 p.m. ET (5 p.m. PT), the fun continues as we track the winners, losers and best speeches of the night. PEOPLE editors and the stars, including Busy Phillips, will be Tweeting commentary, exclusive photos, behind-the-scenes tidbits and more on one of Hollywood's most heartfelt nights.

The 19th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards will air live on TNT and TBS on Sunday, Jan. 27, at 8 p.m. ET (5 p.m. PT) from the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles. Be sure to join us!

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CDC: Flu seems to level off except in the West


New government figures show that flu cases seem to be leveling off nationwide. Flu activity is declining in most regions although still rising in the West.


The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says hospitalizations and deaths spiked again last week, especially among the elderly. The CDC says quick treatment with antiviral medicines is important, in particular for the very young or old. The season's first flu case resistant to treatment with Tamiflu was reported Friday.


Eight more children have died from the flu, bringing this season's total pediatric deaths to 37. About 100 children die in an average flu season.


There is still vaccine available although it may be hard to find. The CDC has a website that can help.


___


CDC: http://www.cdc.gov/flu/


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At least 26 die in Egyptian clashes over death sentences


PORT SAID, Egypt/CAIRO (Reuters) - At least 26 people died on Saturday when Egyptians rampaged in protest at the sentencing of 21 people to death over a soccer stadium disaster, adding to bloody street turmoil confronting Islamist President Mohamed Mursi.


Armored vehicles and military police fanned through the streets of Port Said after the violence. The state news agency quoted a general as saying the military aimed to "establish calm and stability in Port Said and to protect public institutions".


Unrest flared with nationwide rallies on Friday to mark the second anniversary of the overthrow of autocrat Hosni Mubarak, a democratic revolution that protesters now accuse Mursi of betraying by ramming through an Islamist-hued constitution.


While anniversary-related violence subsided, a new outbreak hit Port Said after a court sentenced 21 men to die for involvement in the deaths of 74 people after a local soccer match on February 1, 2012, many of them fans of the visiting team.


Residents ran wildly through the streets of Port Said, outraged that men from their city had been blamed for the stadium disaster, and gunshots were reported near the prison where most of the defendants were being held.


Security sources said 26 people, at least two of them policemen, had been killed in the Mediterranean coastal city. State television reported more than 200 people had been wounded.


Witnesses said some men stormed two police stations in Port Said, where protesters lit tires in the street, sending black smoke funneling into the air.


At least nine people were killed in clashes with police on Friday, mainly in the port of Suez where the army has also deployed. Hundreds were injured as police rained down tear gas on protesters armed with stones and some with petrol bombs.


The schism between Islamists and secular Egyptians is hurting efforts by Mursi, freely elected in June, to revive an economy in crisis - deprived of fresh investment and tourism due to political upheaval - and stem a slide in Egypt's currency.


The political strife and lack of security that has blighted the Arab world's most populous country over much of the post-Mubarak era is casting an ominous shadow over a parliamentary election expected to start in April.


DIVERSITY


Highlighting tensions, the opposition National Salvation Front coalition called for a government of national unity and an early presidential vote among other demands. It said it would call for more protests next Friday and could boycott the parliamentary election if its demands are not met.


Mursi's opponents say he has failed to deliver on economic pledges or be a president representing the full political and communal diversity of Egyptians, as he pledged.


His supporters say his critics do not respect the democracy that has given Egypt its first freely elected leader.


The Muslim Brotherhood, which propelled Mursi to office, said in a statement that "corrupt people" and media who were biased against the president had stirred up anger on the street and incited violence.


At the Port Said soccer stadium a year ago, many spectators were crushed and witnesses saw some thrown off balconies after the match between Cairo's Al Ahly and local team al-Masri.


Families of victims in court cheered and wept for joy when Judge Sobhy Abdel Maguid read a list of 21 names "referred to the Mufti", a phrase used to denote execution, as all death sentences must be reviewed by Egypt's top religious authority.


A total of 73 people have been standing trial. Other rulings will be issued on March 9, the judge said.


One relative in the court shouted: "God is greatest." Outside the Al Ahly club in Cairo, fans also cheered. They had threatened more violence unless the death penalty was meted out.


Thousands took to the streets of Cairo, Alexandria and other cities on Friday to protest against what they call the creeping authoritarianism of Mursi's rule. Protesters in Cairo were again hurling stones at police lines in Cairo on Saturday.


SEEKING CHANGE


"We want to change the president and the government. We are tired of this regime. Nothing has changed," said Mahmoud Suleiman, 22, in Cairo's Tahrir Square, the cauldron of the 2011 anti-Mubarak revolt and near where youths stoned police.


Ahmed Salama, 28, a protester camped out with dozens of others in Tahrir, said: "The protests will continue until we realize all the demands of the revolution - bread, freedom and social justice."


Ismailia and Suez, cities which like Port Said lie on the Suez Canal, witnessed some of the worst violence on Friday. But a canal official said the unrest on Friday and Saturday had not disrupted traffic in the waterway vital to international trade.


In a statement in response to Friday's violence, Mursi said the state would not hesitate in "pursuing the criminals and delivering them to justice". He urged Egyptians to respect the principles of the revolution by expressing views peacefully.


The president met on Saturday with the National Defence Council, which includes senior ministers and security officials, to discuss the spate of violence.


In a televised statement, the National Salvation Front said it was holding Mursi responsible for the disturbances.


The Front was formed from disparate groups last year when Mursi awarded himself extra powers and fast-tracked an Islamist-flavored constitution to a referendum, opposed by the Front although the document was passed in the popular vote.


"Egypt will not regain its balance except by a political solution that is transparent and credible, by a government of national salvation to restore order and heal the economy and with a constitution for all Egyptians," prominent opposition politician Mohamed ElBaradei wrote on his Twitter account.


Until the Front was formed, the opposition had struggled to unite and their vote had been split at presidential and parliamentary polls, helping Islamists. The last parliament was dissolved based on court order, demanding a new vote this year.


Mustapha Kamal Al-Sayyid, a professor of political science at Cairo University, said the latest violence reflected the frustration of many liberal-minded Egyptians and others.


"The state of polarization between Islamists and others is most likely to continue and will have a very negative impact on the state's politics, security and economy," he said.


Inspired by the popular uprising in Tunisia, Egypt's revolution spurred further revolts across the Arab world. But the sense of common purpose among Egyptians two years ago has unraveled, triggering bloody street battles last month.


(Additional reporting by Omar Fahmy; Writing by Edmund Blair; Editing by Mark Heinrich)



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4 tips for creating a successful Twitter parody account






The guy behind @GowanusDolphin learned his lesson the hard way


A chorus of Twitter elite got really angry on Friday when an opportunistic user decided to register @GowanusDolphin, a horrible account that premised itself on a dolphin trapped in New York‘s murky Gowanus Canal. 







Not sure how I feel about parody account @gowanusdolphin. Poor guy. Don’t find funny at all.



SEE MORE: Connecticut massacre suspect: How the media IDed the wrong guy [Updated]


Craig Kanalley (@ckanal) January 25, 2013



I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that this @gowanusdolphin account is far worse than the Holocaust.



— Joel Johnson (@joeljohnson) January 25, 2013



It’s because we all laughed at the fake Rahm Emanuel guy that these fucking things exist. We brought @gowanusdolphin on ourselves.



SEE MORE: The 17 most memorable tweets of 2012


— Cord Jefferson (@cordjefferson) January 25, 2013


The offender, who has since apologized for being a jerk, learned his lesson the hard way. Don’t let the same fate befall you. Here, four helpful tips for creating a successful* Twitter parody account should the opportunity ever arise again:


1. Don’t use animals
Remember @BronxZooCobra fondly? Neither do we. Predicating your shiny new Twitter handle on a headline-grabbing animal is difficult for two reasons: (a) Animals don’t talk. You’re creating its voice from scratch; and (b) People tend to like animals more than they like other people, so as a rule of thumb, you should probably be making fun of actual human beings.


SEE MORE: Social media masters, ninjas, and gurus: How Twitter pros describe themselves


2. Don’t base it on news
When a mild 5.9-magnitude earthquake rattled New York in 2010, Twitter exploded with parody accounts. (“Boom!” and “Whoa!” and that sort of nonsense.) None of them were funny. None of them were sustainable. Take a lesson from Bloomberg social media director (and the web’s leading voice in parody account hatred) Jared Keller:



If you create a parody account within fifteen minutes of a news event you are the worst person on the planet and I hate you.



SEE MORE: Instagram vs. Twitter: Why their beef is bad news for you


— Jared Keller (@jaredbkeller) January 25, 2013


3. Be funny
Ha ha, you have to actually be funny, which is easier said than done. And “humor,” as we all know, is 100 percent subjective and varies from person to person, NOT TO MENTION it requires constant mental dexterity that 99.99 percent of the population simply isn’t cut out for. So make it easy for yourself. Self-impose some parameters and employ a weird spin like @NYTOnIt or @__MICHAELJ0RDAN. Maybe you’ll even get a book deal! (Probably not.)


4. You probably shouldn’t make a parody account
Ignore everything I just said. Don’t make one. Sorry.


SEE MORE: Should Twitter be forced to reveal racist users?


*Just kidding.


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